Death Café - a Men's Event

December 7, 2022

Never say men are not emotionally available. Six software engineers and an End of Life Doula, me, gathered on a December evening to talk about all things related to death.

After I introduced myself, my host asked everyone to say who they are. Each shared their name, their age, and with whom they live. No one said what they did for a living–all have made and built companies, all very successfully.  As I shared my view of the “Arc of Life and Its End,” each listened, heads nodding, and six sets of eyes looking directly at me while I spoke.

No phones, no sidebar conversations.

Thoughtfully, each man spoke of a personal end of life experience…

Gentleman One: “Death conversations are very matter of fact in India, and this cultural view shapes prominent family conversations. I have even made a spreadsheet–and we are at a standstill.”

Another: “It’s very frustrating working with (aging) parents to estate-plan–and I realize the reality of avoiding this.”

One man shared, eyes welling up with tears: “My dad died six weeks ago…”

Another man bravely told us: “My son is mentally ill. Wy wife and I have not addressed his needs in our estate plan.”

…“I lost my Mum and Dad twenty years ago.”

….“I cared for my dad who had Alzheimer’s for his last two years of life.”

And on they continued…

“My house is a mess. I don’t want to leave this for my kids… I am a hoarder.”

“My mum will not talk about any of this…she isn’t well.”

A depth of trust infiltrated the space as sharing continued. Each man was authentic, vulnerable, and generous. My role as guide was simple and accepted. Questions were asked of each other, and a deep interest was shown in the details of another’s story. There was nothing superficial about these exchanges. Ego was left outside the door.

As we wrapped up, our host asked each participant to commit to an action, and what followed was breath-taking:

“I will make a date with my parents to address the to-do’s related to their estate plan.”

“My wife and I will address how to include my son in our estate plan.”

“I will schedule an organizer to come to my home and help me clear and then also establish a maintenance program.”

“I will begin interviewing my mum, and I will write.”

“I will begin writing a letter to each of my children, with my life’s ending in mind.”

“I will meet with an attorney and make my will.”

“My will is twenty years old–I will update it.”

I asked each person to have “a committed listener” for each agreement, and accountability emerged. 

One man took notes on his phone tracking all to-do’s and captured all the designated, accountability partners for us. Another participant took photos of all the recommended materials and shared them with the group. Kindness and support permeated the air in that room.

***

On December 7th, six engineers and an End of Life Doula gathered for a Death Café. 

Waking up this morning–the morning after– this doula believes she attended a Life Café, a truly sacred space where a deeply caring, trusting community of men experiencing a new kindness related to love and loss.